Music Blogs

What better way to celebrate the impending weekend than with a look at some of the worst lyrics of all time?

I don't think you'll find a singer or a band out there who isn't embarassed by the words to at least one of their songs - so I'm not trying to say the artists I've picked are bad artists. Far from it.

It just means that someone should have slapped them around the head a few times and told them to wise up before they inflicted the following horrors on their fans.

So, before you share your lyrical disasters, here are the words that make me want to cry:

1. AC/DC - Big Balls

I've got big balls
I've got big balls
They're such big balls
And they're dirty big balls

Hmmm, okay. So we've established AC/DC have big balls - but perhaps the biggest balls of the lot is including this terrible song on an album. This is the same band that did 'It's a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock 'n' Roll)', isn't it?

2. The Sweet - Little Willy

'Cause little Willy, Willy won't go home
But you can't push Willy round
Willy won't go, try tellin' everybody but, oh no
Little Willy, Willy won't go home

1970s glam-rockers The Sweet recorded classics like 'Blockbuster' and 'Ballroom Blitz', but they really hit the lows of sexual innuendo with 'Little Willy'. Perhaps it was an ode to the medical problems of wearing platform-soled boots and tight trousers?

3. Jimmy Buffett - Boat Drinks

But I know
I should be leaving this climate
I've got a verse and can't rhyme it

Hey Jimmy. I admire your laid back island lifestyle and wish I could be chilling back on that beach with some Margaritas at this very second. But when you can't think of a rhyme for the word 'climate' you really should change the word or cut it out. You should have stopped at "I should be leaving"...

4. Spice Girls - Wannabe

I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want
So tell me what you want, what you really really want
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really
really really wanna zigazig ha

I'll tell you what I want. I want you to shut the hell up and never to record another song again. 'Nuff said?

5. Des'ree - Life

I don't want to see a ghost
It's a sight that I fear most
I'd rather have a piece of toast
And watch the evening news

No worst lyrics list would be complete without this rank-rotten example from Des'ree. There's just so much wrong I don't know where to start. I guess the bonus for Des'ree is the fact that ghosts aren't real, so she doesn't have to worry too much about staying in and eating burnt bread.

6. U2 - Dirty Day

You're looking for explanations
I don't even understand
If you need someone to blame
Throw a rock in the air you'll hit someone guilty

I could have picked from a ton of U2 lyrics, but finally ended up with this over 'Elevation' and it's mole digging in a hole. Once upon a time I was impressed by faux-philisophical lyrics (watch 'Every Rose Has It's Thorn' by Poison as an example), but I've come to see that it's just pretentious nonsense. So no-one is completely innocent? That's hardly news, Bono.

7. Elton John - Your Song

If I was a sculptor
But then again, no

It's not like Elton to change his mind (remember when he was married to the German?), but usually that thought process occurs outside the boundaries of a song's lyrics. It's a good song, but would be great if the start of that verse didn't include Bernie Taupin's internal monologue.

8. Shakira - Whenever, Wherever

Lucky that my breasts are small and humble
So you don't confuse them with mountains

Woah. Humble breasts? Can breast actually be conceited? I've watched enough Russ Meyer movies to know the meaning of gigantic breasts and even then I would never consider 'mountainous' as a description. Anyone who could confuse breasts with mountains shouldn't be listening to Shakira anyway, they should be locked up.

9. LFO - Summer Girls

You're the best girl that I ever did see
The great Larry Bird Jersey 33
When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet
Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets

I'm almost too stunned for words. A song is supposed to be something cohesive, but LFO decided to get their pet dog to write this song instead and so a it's just random nonsense stuck together. And 'Billy Shakespeare'? The words scraping, bottom and barrel come to mind.

10. Feeder - Buck Rogers

We'll start over again
Grow ourselves new skin
Get a house in Devon
Drink cider from a lemon

Feeder are a great rock band, and spectacular live - but this monumental failure scores on two levels. Firstly, trying to rhyme Devon and lemon just isn't on. It's so brazen that a blind-folded three-year old could have written something better.

And secondly - drink cider from a lemon? Why? Is a pint glass not good enough for you? Have you found a secret recipe to make cider from a lemon? Do you cut the lemon in half, hollow it out and pour the cider in? Do you need a straw? So many questions, not enough time...

This subject proved to be quite popular in the Yahoo!Xtra office and there were way more songs that places on the list. The following songs were close to making it into the top 10, but just failed because, well... I just liked my choices better:

'MacArthur Park' by Richard Harris, 'Dreadlock Holiday' by 10CC, 'This is Why I'm Hot' by MIMS, 'Sexual Healing' by Marvin Gaye, 'Kokomo' by Beach Boys, 'Butterfly' by Crazy Town, 'Fly Away' by Lenny Kravitz and 'My Humps' by Black Eyed Peas.

So now it's your turn. Share your horrors by leaving a comment!