Ten songs you should never sing to your wife.
My wife has this nickname for me. She calls me ‘gums'. Just gums. I don't expect it's because she's particularly fascinated with my pinky mouth-flesh. I mean, if my gums are my most endearing feature, then we've got a huge problem. It's probably all in the way she says it. It sounds a lot more like ‘Guurms" when she says it, which doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense either, but go figure.
Being the wife of a music reviewer has its pros and cons. Vicariously, my wife's finger is on the pulse of the current music scene, and she doesn't have to lift a finger. The downside of this is that she never knows whether she'll be coming home to an obscure Tom Waits bootleg (she thinks he sounds like the Cookie Monster and paces around the house growling "Cookie, Cookie, Cookie") or the brilliant new Yeah Yeah Yeah's album, which ultimately fulfils her penchant for rock and roll feminism.
- You're The One For Me, Fatty - Morrissey
Don't sing this song to your wife. Ever. The only reason Morrissey gets away with it is because he's spent years carving out a niche as the Don Juan of all things wry and ironic. When you look as good as him at his age you can give it a go, not till then.
- Dude Looks Like A Lady - Aerosmith
Clearly a death wish. I know it's catchy, but so is Love In An Elevator, and that's no more suitable.
- Born A Girl - Manic Street Preachers
Despite This Is My Truth, Tell Me Yours being one of my favourite albums of all time, this track, suspected to be a tip of the hat to bass player Nicky Wire, who has been known to take to the stage with a wee frock, is only going to leave your lovely wife concerned, with it's chorus lament "I wish I had been born a girl"
- Maneater - Hall & Oates
She may take this in good humour, but I don't rate your chances. Especially not once you've described her as a ‘she-cat tamed by the purr of a Jaguar'.
- Man, I Feel Like A Woman - Shania Twain
Sure, this song's been through the ringer. Everyone thinks it's funny as hell when a guy gets up in a karaoke bar and sings this sing. Heck, I've done it. But women are complicated creatures who operate on a subluminal level that far exceeds us males, and I can guarantee you they're hearing you sing this song and deducing some genuine, Freudian transvestine leanings way down in your subconscious.
- Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-a-Lot.
Don't. even if she does got back.
- She's A Mod - Ray Columbus & The Invaders
Because she's not a mod. But also because this song, no matter how well it captured the dizziness and fevered optimism of the 1960's, is basically comprised of one line sung ad nauseum, and if it's one thing the ladies hate, it's repetition. So whiny.
- I'm in Love With A Stripper - T-Pain & Mike Jones
Try it, you'll get a little T-Pain of your own.
- I Want To Break Free - Queen
The only exception would be singing this whilst vacuuming a la Freddy Mercury. But then, you'd have to be vacuuming and do you even remember where that thing is?
- Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Pat Benatar
Don't tempt her.
